Hiya, all. My laptop took a turn for the worse and died a peaceful death a few days ago. Requiescat in pace, Inspiron!
I'm typing this from work to let y'all know that I won't be blogging until I purchase and set up a new 'puter. This shouldn't take too long.
Love to youse guys---and see you soon!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
LOSS CAN BE GAIN.
So, here's what happened yesterday:
Got up. Check.
Took a shower. Check.
Got dressed. Check.
Went to work. Check.
Sat at desk, unzipped backpack, pulled out carrying pouch for glucometer. Check.
Unzipped pouch...hey! Where's my glucometer? It was in here when I tested my blood sugar last night, and I know I put it back. It must have fallen out somehow.
Noisy scramble in backpack ensues. No results.
PANIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I mean total, unfettered panic. I just lost it, right there at my desk. All I could think was that my entire day would be shot to hell because I couldn't test my blood sugar. How would I know what my daily glucose levels would be? My logbook would lack more than eight hours of valuable information! There'd be a gap in my record-keeping and the inaccuracy would produce skewed data which would piss off my doctor when I submitted my charts to him at my next appointment! How would I know in the course of the day if I was heading for a hypoglycemic crash? And on and on it went for about five minutes, until I just stopped to think, and...not-think.
Why was I freaking?
What was all this coming out in my thoughts?
Why was I obsessing over this little purple device that had gone AWOL, and the numbers it reports to me six times a day?
Why did I think that I'd be a failure to myself and my doctor and my self-care if my logbook lacked some data?
Why does it all have to be "right"? Why do I feel I can't make any mistakes?
I don't know. No, that's not true; I do know. I'm scared. I don't want to make mistakes that can compromise my health even further! If I keep screwing up, those screw-ups can add up. I don't want organ failure or my feet or my legs amputated later on in life! I don't want my already shitty sight to get worse or disappear!
Stop. Wasn't I taking the best care of myself that I possibly could---eating well and walking and taking my meds, and getting enough sleep, and doing zazen, and hugging my husband, my cats, and friends---and keeping in good spirits? Couldn't I trust all this?
Wasn't I perfectly capable of listening to my body so that if I felt the first faint symptoms of hypoglycemia coming on, I could immediately stop the crash with my glucose tabs?
Okay...okay. I'm going to be fine without the damn thing. It's just one day. Even if it had to be more than one day, I'd still be fine. I know what I need, and what I don't doesn't matter.
The rest of the day happened. I ate well. I took the meds. I did my job. I laughed with co-workers. I did zazen in one of the empty meeting rooms. I listened to my body. I wrote down my meals and snacks in my logbook. I felt pretty good.
Near the end of the workday, I remembered that the day before I had slipped a sticky note into my glucometer pouch. I'd written a friend's work number on that note, and I wanted to give her a quick call before I went home. I unzipped the pouch and rummaged around in the side pocket where I'd put the note.
I found the note...
...and I found my glucometer.
Dogen Zenji* wrote in his peerless work, Shobogenzo: "Diligently apply yourself, and whatever arises as 'just for a while'. "
I think I might just "get" that, now...
...mmmmaybe!
*Dogen Zenji (1200 - 1253) founded the Soto Zen school. If you'd like to learn more about him, please see this link: http://global.sotozen-net.or.jp/eng/dogen_zenji.html
Got up. Check.
Took a shower. Check.
Got dressed. Check.
Went to work. Check.
Sat at desk, unzipped backpack, pulled out carrying pouch for glucometer. Check.
Unzipped pouch...hey! Where's my glucometer? It was in here when I tested my blood sugar last night, and I know I put it back. It must have fallen out somehow.
Noisy scramble in backpack ensues. No results.
PANIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I mean total, unfettered panic. I just lost it, right there at my desk. All I could think was that my entire day would be shot to hell because I couldn't test my blood sugar. How would I know what my daily glucose levels would be? My logbook would lack more than eight hours of valuable information! There'd be a gap in my record-keeping and the inaccuracy would produce skewed data which would piss off my doctor when I submitted my charts to him at my next appointment! How would I know in the course of the day if I was heading for a hypoglycemic crash? And on and on it went for about five minutes, until I just stopped to think, and...not-think.
Why was I freaking?
What was all this coming out in my thoughts?
Why was I obsessing over this little purple device that had gone AWOL, and the numbers it reports to me six times a day?
Why did I think that I'd be a failure to myself and my doctor and my self-care if my logbook lacked some data?
Why does it all have to be "right"? Why do I feel I can't make any mistakes?
I don't know. No, that's not true; I do know. I'm scared. I don't want to make mistakes that can compromise my health even further! If I keep screwing up, those screw-ups can add up. I don't want organ failure or my feet or my legs amputated later on in life! I don't want my already shitty sight to get worse or disappear!
Stop. Wasn't I taking the best care of myself that I possibly could---eating well and walking and taking my meds, and getting enough sleep, and doing zazen, and hugging my husband, my cats, and friends---and keeping in good spirits? Couldn't I trust all this?
Wasn't I perfectly capable of listening to my body so that if I felt the first faint symptoms of hypoglycemia coming on, I could immediately stop the crash with my glucose tabs?
Okay...okay. I'm going to be fine without the damn thing. It's just one day. Even if it had to be more than one day, I'd still be fine. I know what I need, and what I don't doesn't matter.
The rest of the day happened. I ate well. I took the meds. I did my job. I laughed with co-workers. I did zazen in one of the empty meeting rooms. I listened to my body. I wrote down my meals and snacks in my logbook. I felt pretty good.
Near the end of the workday, I remembered that the day before I had slipped a sticky note into my glucometer pouch. I'd written a friend's work number on that note, and I wanted to give her a quick call before I went home. I unzipped the pouch and rummaged around in the side pocket where I'd put the note.
I found the note...
...and I found my glucometer.
Dogen Zenji* wrote in his peerless work, Shobogenzo: "Diligently apply yourself, and whatever arises as 'just for a while'. "
I think I might just "get" that, now...
...mmmmaybe!
*Dogen Zenji (1200 - 1253) founded the Soto Zen school. If you'd like to learn more about him, please see this link: http://global.sotozen-net.or.jp/eng/dogen_zenji.html
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