I Got My Ass Kicked Today, And I Enjoyed It.

I've been holding out on you guys. Worse, I've been holding out on myself. Perhaps that's what needed to happen, but it ends here.

I need to post this for many reasons.

Yesterday, Matt and I took the day off to see Rush get their star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. It was the most fun I'd had in a long time. Geddy Lee and Alex Lifeson were funny, humble, and charming (Neil Peart was not there because he was on his way to New Mexico to get ready for Rush's upcoming tour). Billy Corgan of The Smashing Pumpkins was one of the guest speakers, as was Donna Halper---the woman who, while working at WMMS in Cleveland, Ohio, put Rush's "Working Man" on her regular playlist. The blue-collar hard-rock fans of Cleveland loved the song, and their appreciation led to Rush's record contract with Mercury Records. The band, grateful to Donna for "getting the ball rolling" (in their own words), acknowledged her on their first and second albums.

In her speech yesterday, Donna referred to herself as Rush's "big sister". That statement stayed with me--and today it made its way into my life and touched me directly in a way that I never could have imagined. This is what happened.

When Matt and I got home yesterday after the festivities, I went online to check out a particular Rush fan site that I frequent. Some individuals had posted a few incendiary things about Neil not being at the event, that he was a dick for not going, and the like. One of the fans then posted a statement that Donna had made elsewhere in response to the bashing and in defense of Neil, who is a very shy individual. Donna mentioned her own issues with shyness and tried to convey what it is like to speak to a crowd when one is so patently uncomfortable in doing so.

Donna's defense of Neil and her compassion for him prompted me to send her a message and a friend request on Facebook. I thanked her for her words and support of Neil, and mentioned my own issues with shyness and the fact that I have PTSD (yeah, I know I never told you about this; more on that later), which makes me really uncomfortable around many people.

This morning, I went online and frequented the sites I usually visit daily. When I went to Facebook, I saw Donna had added me as a friend and that she was available to chat. I sent her a chatbox as follows:

Me: Thank you for EVERYTHING!!! Yesterday was so much fun. XOXO You don't have to respond to this if you don't wish to.

Donna: You're a silly goose. I wanted to respond. I sent my phone number. Call me.


...huh?!


At that moment, I realized that I had a couple of new messages in my Facebook inbox. I checked them, and they were from Donna; she had sent them about a half hour before I had sent her my chatbox. There it was: one of the messages was a request to give her a call.

I know that those of you who know me personally know that I'm the one who crawls into a corner and falls asleep at parties and that I'm not really good around people, for all that I'm a funny wiseass online. You're familiar with my intrinsic shyness, so you probably know what it took for me to pick up the phone and dial the number. And when Donna answered the phone, I panicked.

I don't remember when I started crying, but I do remember that Donna encouraged me to really look at myself, which is something that I've always been terrified to do. We talked about my shyness and diabetes and fibromyalgia and PTSD, and her shyness, and Judaism, and the both of us having had life experiences that would curl your hair. She asked me what I wanted to do. I told her I wanted to write. And the answer was really so simple that it almost sounds ridiculous: she said, "So, do what writers do."

POW.

I was reminded of one of my favorite Peanuts comics, in which Charlie Brown is at Lucy's psychiatry booth for the umpteenth time. And Lucy gives it to him straight:


Charlie Brown: What can you do when you don't fit in? What can you do when life seems to be passing you by?

Lucy: Follow me. I want to show you something. See the horizon over there? See how big this world is? See how much room there is for everybody? Have you ever seen any other worlds?

Charlie Brown: No.

Lucy: As far as you know, this is the only world there is, right?

Charlie Brown: Right.

Lucy: There are no other worlds for you to live in, right?

Charlie Brown: Right.

Lucy: You were born to live in this world, right?

Charlie Brown: Right.

Lucy: Well, LIVE IN IT, THEN!...Five cents, please.


It's in my hands. I can stew in my shyness and my fear of being ridiculed, and I can point a finger at everyone who's fucked me over...or I can point that finger at myself and take responsibility for me and my actions. I can do, I can live, I can be.

Donna kicked my ass today, and I love her for it. I am proud to call her my friend and big sister...and I am proud to have decided to do, and live, and be.